I am one of those people who like to annoy others who annoy me. I just am. I have a bad attitude on occasion and I like to share that gift with the world. There are many different sorts of people who catch my ire: hipsters, vegetarians, Republicans, Libertarians, People who like the Original Star Trek Series over The Next Generation (seriously, there is the short pier, go take a long walk off of it). But there is one group of people I like to annoy more than any other group: Christians! Christians, those special people who are members of the world’s biggest cult but act as though they are in on some sort of great secret. “Psss…come over here! Some pseudo-real Palestinian was tortured and killed 2000 years ago, fulfilling vague and esoteric Jewish prophecy, and giving me a free pass to the afterlife! Want to go bother retail workers about it?” So in that spirit I am going to write a little screed and insult the faith of 2 billion people just in time for their high holiday!
My wife, who is a retail worker, has run into many of those special sort of sociopaths I like to call “Merry Christmas Nazis”. You know the type, those idiots who come up to you and try to get you to giving them a seasonal greeting just so they can then lecture you on how you have insulted their faith by giving the wrong greetings? You know, those fools who act as though a war crime has been committed against them because a Target bagger said “Happy Holidays” instead of “CHRIST IS LORD AND IS THE REASON FOR THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON I FEEL HIS BLOOD WASHING OVER ME!” They seem to think that if they are not constantly confronted with the overarching power of their religion over the culture that this is a sign of some sort of Atheistic/Maoist/Kenyan conspiracy to eradicate all Christians from public life forever. Forget the fact that there are DOZENS, DOZENS of different religions and cults and sects that celebrate winter holidays this time of year, forget the fact that Christianity basically just piggy-backed the Roman holiday Saturnalia AKA an excuse for having an orgy in the winter. Forget all that and think of it this way: some poor, underpaid, overworked retail drone who has not gotten to see any of her family so far this holiday season just went out of her way bagging your $4500 of useless Chinese slave labor made carp JUST to give you a nice holiday greeting, and your response is to sneer at them and claim you are the victim of a hate crime? Well, to all those people who do not shut their damn mouths and accept the Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings that are sent their way I have just one thing to say: Fuck you, and go get run over by a truck in front of your 4 year old. Ok, that was too things. Merry Mass of the Risen Christ!