Film, Philosophy, Pop Culture, review, Satire, Uncategorized

A Lacanian Review of “Baywatch”

The Interplay between The Rock’s primal over-compensating Nietsczean character and the latent homosexual archtype played by Effron brings to mind the process by which Hegelian material dialectics brings form to the amorphous potential of power dynamics in a totalitarian state system; that the Rock, an apt pseudonym for such an immovable superego figure, continually subjects Effron to progressively more perverse forms of sexual torture mirrors the crippling, stultifyingly, repetative but nonetheless erotically charged Real of “bay watching” i.e. the omnipotent Object of the Sea and the subjective figures drowing in its unexplored depths, and the father-signifier Life-Guard striving to pull subjectivity from the great blue churning Other of Stalinist derrived material hermenutics.

That the milleu of the picture is the ever-sunny, ever objectivity denuding beach-scape of Southern California, land of silicon bosoms and rictus grin visages sculpted from the raw pulp of human flesh at $30,000 a pop, throws the psych-sexual dialectic of the film into stark contrastm, especially when considered alongside the the obsessive cinematographic fondling and half-joking fetisization of Alexandra Daddario’s magnificent natural breasts. One cannot help but recall Lacan’s claim in his XXth Seminar:

“The subject is nothing other than what slides in a chain of signifiers, whether he knows which signifier he is the effect of or not. That effect- the subject – is the intermediary effect between what characterizes a signifier and another signifier, namely, the fact that each of them, each of them is an element. – “

I give the film as a whole 2 1/2 Stars.

2016 Election, essay, Funny, Satire, Uncategorized

A Crude Speculative Freudian Sketch of Donald Trump


The following is

a thought experiment

derived from some musings on Twitter. Conclusions are my own & are in no way to be taken as anything more than speculation. The following should not be read by anyone (with apologies to Matt Stone & Trey Parker)


Mark my words, one reason Ivanka is getting a White House office is so she can more easily facilitate her affair with 

  1. Ivanka was the only child to stick by father after he allegedly raped his wife Ivana. I think they’ve been having incestuous affair for years

    I’m pretty convinced is having an affair with his daughter Ivanka, which probably started out, unfortunately, as abuse

    when she was a child, but Ivanka is now using the physical relationship w/ her father as way to leverage power for herself & her husband

    Trump relates to life libidinally; see the way he relates to & thinks of women & how he sees his business dealings as a practiced form of conquest/domination of others, witness also his obsession w/ phallic structures & possessing superficially attractive objects & people & his obsession with carrying on his (father’s) name

    Camille Paglia was derided for aptly analyzing libidanally & understanding, but not buying into, his raw psychosexual power

    Trump relates to himself as a product of his own will, he is constantly “building” himself into something more “valuable” & expanding his “brand”. His family is the ultimate product of his brand: he lives in a purely Freudian world where his sons are extensions of himself (his penis) & his daughter is the ultimate sex object (product)

    Like many narcissists he has an essentially self-loathing core & is therefore is often most truthful in his off the cuff moments in public & online, where he’s admitted, among other things, his sexual attraction to his daughter. He communicates his true thoughts through projection

Religion, Satire

A Letter From Jesus to Josh Duggar

pissed jesus

Mr. Duggar

It has come to my attention that you are using my name and my ability to cleanse the world of sin with my holy blood to excuse and explain away your horrific crimes against little girls. I would just like to say: stop! Consider this a cease and desist notice. My lawyers (Darrow, Hand & Hand) have informed me that I am not allowed to reach down from heaven above and smack the ever-loving evangelical shit out of you, but I can do this: please stop worshiping me. Your status as a believer in my words and deeds is rather, well, let’s just say it is not in the interest of me and my followers. I am aware that you claim to be an ardent believer in my power and my love, but even I have my limits. Your SISTERS? REALLY? And your Dad brought you in to confess to a fellow child molester? Then again, I have never understood your family’s view of my “message”…If I had wanted to to procreate like rabbits I (or rather my dad…who is me…but let’s not get THAT started again) would have made you rabbits. Let’s put a hard limit at, say, six kids? 19…For the love of me…

Anyway, I hope you understand the position you have put me in as a savior. I don’t like having to cut people out of the whole “forever saved by my grace” thing, but, I mean, come on…your SISTERS? If you continue to find a need to believe in something I have heard that ISIS are recruiting and there is always the catholic priesthood…they tend to be understanding of people with your…proclivities.

Yours in Me

Jesus Christ

p.s. Tell Mike Huckabee to shut the fuck up already. He’s already on my bad side, and I don’t want to have to send my friend Lucifer after him…Job didn’t like that very much and I don’t think Mike would either. Just sayin’.

p.p.s And another thing, where the FUCK does Jim Bob Duggar get off saying his daugthers “weren’t aware” of what happened to them/was happening to them? And why the FUCK would you not report it? And what the FUCK does “he was just a juvenile” supposed to mean? HE MOLESTED HIS SISTERS, and his response was to “not let the kids play hide and seek” anymore? WHAT. THE. FUCK? That is all

Christmas, Satire

Happy Holidays, and Fuck You!


I am one of those people who like to annoy others who annoy me. I just am. I have a bad attitude on occasion and I like to share that gift with the world. There are many different sorts of people who catch my ire: hipsters, vegetarians, Republicans, Libertarians, People who like the Original Star Trek Series over The Next Generation (seriously, there is the short pier, go take a long walk off of it). But there is one group of people I like to annoy more than any other group: Christians! Christians, those special people who are members of the world’s biggest cult but act as though they are in on some sort of great secret. “Psss…come over here! Some pseudo-real Palestinian was tortured and killed 2000 years ago, fulfilling vague and esoteric Jewish prophecy, and giving me a free pass to the afterlife! Want to go bother retail workers about it?” So in that spirit I am going to write a little screed and insult the faith of 2 billion people just in time for their high holiday!

My wife, who is a retail worker, has run into many of those special sort of sociopaths I like to call “Merry Christmas Nazis”. You know the type, those idiots who come up to you and try to get you to giving them a seasonal greeting just so they can then lecture you on how you have insulted their faith by giving the wrong greetings? You know, those fools who act as though a war crime has been committed against them because a Target bagger said “Happy Holidays” instead of “CHRIST IS LORD AND IS THE REASON FOR THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON I FEEL HIS BLOOD WASHING OVER ME!” They seem to think that if they are not constantly confronted with the overarching power of their religion over the culture that this is a sign of some sort of Atheistic/Maoist/Kenyan conspiracy to eradicate all Christians from public life forever. Forget the fact that there are DOZENS, DOZENS of different religions and cults and sects that celebrate winter holidays this time of year, forget the fact that Christianity basically just piggy-backed the Roman holiday Saturnalia AKA an excuse for having an orgy in the winter. Forget all that and think of it this way: some poor, underpaid, overworked retail drone who has not gotten to see any of her family so far this holiday season just went out of her way bagging your $4500 of useless Chinese slave labor made carp JUST to give you a nice holiday greeting, and your response is to sneer at them and claim you are the victim of a hate crime? Well, to all those people who do not shut their damn mouths and accept the Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings that are sent their way I have just one thing to say: Fuck you, and go get run over by a truck in front of your 4 year old. Ok, that was too things. Merry Mass of the Risen Christ!

Entertainment, Satire

Pray For Chris Brown To Get Cancer And Die


Background to the following poem…the Singer Chris Brown brutally beat his one time girlfriend, the singer Rihanna, and then tried to dodge responsibility for it all. Unbelievably thousands of his “fans” (more like cultists and horny teenage idiots) stood up for him and blamed Rihanna for the incident. This is misogyny, bigotry, and stupidity. Mr. Brown has been rumored to have beat and harassed other women he has been in a relationship with and he is incredibly dismissive of the outrage many feel over his actions. Mr. Brown had a seizure while in the recording studio this afternoon…If only I believed in karma…So in “honor” of this woman-hating idiot I present this little poem…

Let us all

As one nation

Pray fervently

For Chris Brown

The Woman Beater

To Get Cancer

Of the testicles

And die

And if you do not pray

Just really hope

He gets hit

By a bus


Say NO to violence against women. Say NO to misogyny. Say NO to idiots who celebrate idiot celebrities like Chris Brown.

Censorship, Internet, London, NSFW, Satire, Sex, Violence

NSFW (Naughty Satirical Forthright Writing)

It continues to amaze me how we as a society equate displays of human sexuality with acts of unimaginably depraved violence. A movie will get an R rating if it has a scene with a dozen men having their heads chopped or blown off. A movie will get an NC-17 rating or go unrated if it shows a man performing oral sex on a woman. It is rather hilarious (I say hilarious because it is less disheartening than saying “tragic”) that we, the “most powerful nation on earth” are also one of the most prudish.

Both times when I visited London (once in 2005 for a week and again in 2009 for roughly the same amount of time) I was pleasantly surprised by the relative openness with which sexuality was treated even at a basic pop-culture level. There were stickers for escort services, strip joint, and phone sex line plastered over almost every available surface, and this was not just in the “bad parts” of the city. I saw a rather comely blonde spread eagle on a sticker affixed to a phone booth right across the street from the venerable old Victoria And Albert Museum. Guess what? The cultural artifice did not burn down due to its proximity to such “filth”. Stunning, I know. Such “enlightened” sexuality is associated with urban decay (nice little race code-word, that) or with the Sin-topias known as L.A. and Las Vegas. Hilarious that such blatant recognition of sexual urges is on display in the former capital of the largest (and supposedly most “moral”) empire of all time.

I was also flabbergasted by posters showing films that in the US would have gotten the horrid “hard R” or NC-17 for sexual content rated here in the good ol’ UK as the equivalent of a PG. And lord almighty if I wasn’t struck nearly dumb to see the latest ultra-violent summer blockbusters rated for an audience of 17+ based on their unrealistic and unrelenting violence. It seemed that the Brits would rather that their kids see a couple fucking than a couple of heads on fucking pikes. What a moral wasteland this British realm has become. And don’t forget, you can see displays of nudity and sexuality in prime time that would be considered risqué for the most ratings starved pay cable network in the states. And, oh my god, the sexuality on display is (wait for it) FAR MORE REALISTIC AND LESS EXPLOITATIVE than much of what you see on US tv shows. It’s almost as if these people had decided that human sexuality was…normal.

Of course these are just circumstantial examples but there is a reason why circumstantial evidence is often frowned upon in a court of law: it is damn convincing. For goodness sake you can walk into the British equivalent of a 7/11 and come out with a hardcore porno mag (free hardcore DVD included) along with a copy of a tabloid that has topless photos right below the fold! Again, it is almost as though this society had decided that adults could be expected to make their own choices about what they find sexually acceptable. Limey perverts.

Here in the USA I could get banned from any number of social networking sites for daring to share, say, a rather hilarious and over the top clip from a hardcore porn film. But if I wanted to post a photo of Marvel Comics Wolverine impaling a Vietnamese villager with the spine of his own godmother, well then I am just one of so many other nerds posting his favorite “graphic novel” moments for all to appreciate! Now I am not saying that violence and sexuality should be treated the same way…actually I am. I do not believe in any censorship beyond “close your eyes”, “turn the channel/refresh the page” or “replace your eyes with two tiny copies of the Old Testament”. If you do not want to see “flith” of the sexual or violent kind then it is your right to watch old Little House on the Prairie reruns on the Hallmark channel (I recommend the episode where Nellie Oleson and the hunky blonde Swedish boy run off and get married and are caught by their parents right before the underage prairie sex-fest is about to commence. Don’t believe me? Google it) but please do not ruin the Gomorrahean fun for the rest of us sinners. I want my sex and my violence UNENCUMBERED by paternalism pleaseandthankyouverymuch.

I personally would rather see a “Freewheeling Tranny MILF” get boned by an ugly fratboy with a Viagra hard-on than I would a video of Optimus Prime beating a ghetto-stereotype car-robot into submission OR a video of a child being beheaded by an Islamic fundamentalist but hey, that’s just me.  I guess my point is this: why is it considered “deviant” to enjoy wanton displays of human sexual lust and carnality but not when it comes to watching the human dog-fighting cum “legitimate sport” of MMA (again, I like both. I do not discriminate in my consumption of depravity)? Why can’t we all just be trusted as adults to watch what we want to watch where we want to watch it? And believe me, if a kid WANTS to see a Latina Lesbian Gangbang video or two grown Brazilian men beating the living shit out of each other for energy-drink sponsorships, then they will. It is called the internet, and it makes all your puny morality laws and mores irrelevant. Resistance is futile puny American puritans. Now let’s watch the latest episode of “Japanese Tentacle Rape Fun-Time America WOW” on youporn.

2012 Election, abortion, Bigotry, Conservatism, Conservatives, GOP, Politics, racism, Religion, Republicans, right wing, Rights, Romney, Satire, Socialism, Women

Right Wing Delusion Glossary

I have been around the political block a few times in my short time in this planet. I am only in my late 20’s and I have still heard the same right wing tropes and theories over and over again. But sometimes the right wingers get embarrassed at their own ignorance and hate, ans they attempt to disguise their true feelings and beliefs with coded language. I am here to let you in on the biggest open secrets in the political world. No need to thank me, just be sure to call your conservative friends and family members on their BS when you hear it spewed.

“Welfare Queen”: An African American woman who has the audacity to collect legal and needed welfare services. In the mind of a conservative this means that she has 18 children by 18 different fathers, and owns a big screen tv and a Cadillac. Why is it always these two things? Can’t they update their racist stereotypes to include LCD screens and maybe a Chevy Volt?

“Socialist”: Synonymous with “Nazi”, “communist” or “statist”. A socialist is anyone who thinks that the country in any way needs an overhaul in the way it handles the economy or welfare services i.e. regulating the market or making life easier for the working poor. Can also mean this person advocates “reeducation camps”, “Sharia law” and “government tyranny”.

“Tyranny”: The act of doing anything that offends conservative sensibilities. This can be anything from taxing businesses and individuals to mandating a waiting period for the assault rifle you want to buy. Also, whatever President Obama does in his capacity as Chief Executive and Commander in Chief.

“Multiculturalism”: Any attempt by anyone to make sure that cultures other than white, christian, conservative, straight male points of view are discussed or celebrated or respected in public. Example: “Damn multiculturalism teaching my kids that A-rabs invented algebra! Next they’ll say that pasta is Chinese!”

“Race Hustler”: An African American (usual a man) who has the audacity to point out the inequality inherent to American society, and the white privilege that permeates our culture, economy, and government. Also, anyone who attempts to appeal to the African American community as a political interest group. Also, any African American man who has succeeded in politics or government who has not explicitly condemned other African Americans for…something?

“Terrorism”: A violent incident, always perpetrated by Muslims, that leads to the death of mostly white people. . Example: A Neo-Nazi shooting up a Sikh Temple and killing 6 is not terrorism…One man being shot in the arm at the Family Research Council HQ, damn that is the next 9/11! Also, any action taken by a liberal group or person to protest a conservative idea or group.

“Liberty”: The right of a white male to do what he pleases, when he pleases, without reference or concern for anyone else. Example: “Damn government is attacking my liberty to charge my employees for parking in our lot when they come to work! Dang socialists!”

“Freedom”: A much more nebulous term. Can mean anything from waving an American flag to buying a gas-guzzling car. That vague feeling conservatives have when they see American soldiers in a desert nation or see B2 bombers flying overhead at an overpriced sporting event. Also, anything relating to the response to, and aftermath of, the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Sharia Law”: Muslim Americans wanting to be able to build a mosque in their community or otherwise freely worship as do Christians and Jews. The nebulous concern that somehow in a nation that bans crosses on public land we will somehow have to answer to non-existent Iranian style Islamic courts. Also, strangely, any ruling in a US court that favors religious freedom, especially for Muslims or atheists for some reason.

“Real Americans”: White, Christian, straight male American citizens who vote for the Republican party and live in states not on either the west coast or the North Eastern coast. Can be extended to include stay at home mothers, conservatives christian women, conservative christian African Americans (provided they have NEVER used welfare or any other government service) and and some single women (provided they do not have a child out of wedlock and has NEVER used welfare or any other government service).

“Reverse Racism”: Any instance when a white, usually male, Christian American Citizen does not get what he wants, has to respect the rights of minorities, or believes in his mind that some opportunity was taken from him by a “minority” i.e. “Affirmative Action”. Example: “Damn government with their hate crime laws! There ain’t no hate crime laws for white people!” OR “Damn affirmative action, made it so that black guy got the job I wanted!” Also, anytime when a member of a racial or other minority group dares to complain about racism in American society or government. Also, the fact that it is now frowned upon to use racial slurs or tell racially tinged jokes.

“Homosexual Agenda”: Any school or government agency/service that dares to acknowledge or celebrate LGBTQ people, accomplishments, ideas, or rights. Also, any open display of affection between two men, or less often, two women. Also, the fear of closeted gay conservative christian men that they will be outed and have their masculinity doubted.

“The Civil War Was Not About Slavery”: African Americans need to stop complaining about the 400 years of inhumane treatment and depraved genocidal acts committed against them by whites and the American government.

“America Is a Christian Nation”: Someone who has never read an American history book, any of the founding documents, or any of the Supreme Court rulings of the past century and a half. Also, the need for an white male christian American to have his own personal morality enshrined in national laws.

“Chicago Style Politics/Politician: The belief that any government that has a large number or majority of African American and/or liberal and/or union member participants is inherently corrupt. The belief that the way politics were conducted in the uber-corrupt 1920’s and 1930’s is how politics is done today everywhere in Chicago and in the state of Illinois. A politician who stands up for minorities and the working poor, or who wins in a close election or uses tactics that conservatives often use to get elected.  Also, President Barack Obama.

“Pro-Life”: The belief that women who want to control their reproductive system are sluts, whores, and/or evil. The belief that a bundle of cells or a zygote is the legal and moral equivalent of a American citizen, or in the case of a pregnant woman, the legal and moral superior. Also, the worship of a fetus as an icon of purity and inherent goodness.

“Feminazi”: A woman who does not believe that men are inherently superior. A woman who dares to stand up to a man or a patriarchal institution. A woman who acknowledges that women in general are accorded the same rights and opportunities, or given the same respect, as men in American Society, economy, and government. A liberal woman. A single woman who enjoys sex. A single woman who wants to be able to use birth control. A woman who believes that equal rights and opportunity should be enshrined in law. A woman who disagrees with Rush Limbaugh.

“Liberal”: All that is evil, perverted, corrupt, indecent, wicked, or otherwise wrong with the world.


That’s it for now folks, but I do believe I will be returning to this subject later: the coded language of the conservative movement is always expanding and updating! I’ll keep you posted.

p.s. Thanks to “Vicki” for the typo wrangling!