Film, Philosophy, Pop Culture, review, Satire, Uncategorized

A Lacanian Review of “Baywatch”

The Interplay between The Rock’s primal over-compensating Nietsczean character and the latent homosexual archtype played by Effron brings to mind the process by which Hegelian material dialectics brings form to the amorphous potential of power dynamics in a totalitarian state system; that the Rock, an apt pseudonym for such an immovable superego figure, continually subjects Effron to progressively more perverse forms of sexual torture mirrors the crippling, stultifyingly, repetative but nonetheless erotically charged Real of “bay watching” i.e. the omnipotent Object of the Sea and the subjective figures drowing in its unexplored depths, and the father-signifier Life-Guard striving to pull subjectivity from the great blue churning Other of Stalinist derrived material hermenutics.

That the milleu of the picture is the ever-sunny, ever objectivity denuding beach-scape of Southern California, land of silicon bosoms and rictus grin visages sculpted from the raw pulp of human flesh at $30,000 a pop, throws the psych-sexual dialectic of the film into stark contrastm, especially when considered alongside the the obsessive cinematographic fondling and half-joking fetisization of Alexandra Daddario’s magnificent natural breasts. One cannot help but recall Lacan’s claim in his XXth Seminar:

“The subject is nothing other than what slides in a chain of signifiers, whether he knows which signifier he is the effect of or not. That effect- the subject – is the intermediary effect between what characterizes a signifier and another signifier, namely, the fact that each of them, each of them is an element. – “

I give the film as a whole 2 1/2 Stars.

Religion, Satire

A Letter From Jesus to Josh Duggar

pissed jesus

Mr. Duggar

It has come to my attention that you are using my name and my ability to cleanse the world of sin with my holy blood to excuse and explain away your horrific crimes against little girls. I would just like to say: stop! Consider this a cease and desist notice. My lawyers (Darrow, Hand & Hand) have informed me that I am not allowed to reach down from heaven above and smack the ever-loving evangelical shit out of you, but I can do this: please stop worshiping me. Your status as a believer in my words and deeds is rather, well, let’s just say it is not in the interest of me and my followers. I am aware that you claim to be an ardent believer in my power and my love, but even I have my limits. Your SISTERS? REALLY? And your Dad brought you in to confess to a fellow child molester? Then again, I have never understood your family’s view of my “message”…If I had wanted to to procreate like rabbits I (or rather my dad…who is me…but let’s not get THAT started again) would have made you rabbits. Let’s put a hard limit at, say, six kids? 19…For the love of me…

Anyway, I hope you understand the position you have put me in as a savior. I don’t like having to cut people out of the whole “forever saved by my grace” thing, but, I mean, come on…your SISTERS? If you continue to find a need to believe in something I have heard that ISIS are recruiting and there is always the catholic priesthood…they tend to be understanding of people with your…proclivities.

Yours in Me

Jesus Christ

p.s. Tell Mike Huckabee to shut the fuck up already. He’s already on my bad side, and I don’t want to have to send my friend Lucifer after him…Job didn’t like that very much and I don’t think Mike would either. Just sayin’.

p.p.s And another thing, where the FUCK does Jim Bob Duggar get off saying his daugthers “weren’t aware” of what happened to them/was happening to them? And why the FUCK would you not report it? And what the FUCK does “he was just a juvenile” supposed to mean? HE MOLESTED HIS SISTERS, and his response was to “not let the kids play hide and seek” anymore? WHAT. THE. FUCK? That is all


A Petition on Behalf of the Heirs of James II, the Last Rightful King of England

His Royal Highness, King James II of the House of Stuart, Last Rightful King of England

His Royal Highness, King James II of the House of Stuart, Last Rightful King of England

To the Secretary General of the United Nations,

Your Excellency,

In furtherance of my correspondence regarding the continuing unlawful regime now holding claim to the Crown of my Nation, the One, True Kingdom of England (enough of this “United Kingdom” nonsense). I do send my congratulations, in a purely personal sense mind you, as I am a father myself and aware of the joy a child can bring to ones life, to William Windsor and his wife Catherine Windsor nee Middleton on the birth of the second child Catherine Windsor. I hope that this young lady and her brother George have a long and healthy life. They are but children and are no conscious or deliberate party to the ongoing political crisis that has gripped my nation for over 300 years. My complaint, if it must be said, is not even with the current usurper on the Throne of England, Elizabeth Windsor. The ascent of the Windsors, or more accurately the German family Saxe Coburg Gotha, is merely an accident in history. The Windsors benefit, but the original sin, as it were, is not on their conscience.

No, Sir, my quarrel is with that heretic, though rightful, King Henry VIII the conspirator Henry, 1st Earl of Romney, and that damned Dutch Stadtholder William of Orange! I will address my charges chronologically, and though the subject matter is worth his excellency’s attention, I will be brief.

King Henry VIII

This King did knowingly, as the result of a surreptitious affair, and betrayal of Catherine, Queen of England, bring about the expulsion of England from communion with the Roman Catholic Church. This great crime against God and the souls of the People of the Kingdom of England is one that will forever stain the reputation of this rightful King of England. While this alone would be outrage enough this crime was but the motivating factor for the calamity that was to come!

The Conspiracy

After 120 years of heretical rule and influence upon the population James II of the House of Stuart, the last rightful King of England, a good Catholic, and practitioner and champion of religious toleration, was topped by a conspiracy of anti-catholic fanatics known as the anglican clergy, protestant MPs and treasonous nobles. This perversity, which the propaganda books in our schools would have us call the “Glorious Revolution” (the gall!) was nothing more than a anti-Catholic panic and pogrom that led to the toppling of the legitimate King of England (and France as far as I am concerned…but that is a subject for another letter). This coup led to the end of religious toleration, the banning of Catholics from the throne of the Kingdom of England, and the instillation of the Usurper William III of the House of Orange and King James II hateful heretic daughter Mary Stuart as monarch of England. This succession went on from the heretical branch of the House of Stuart through blood and marriage to the House of Hanover and from there on to the present day.

THIS INJUSTICE MUST BE REMEDIED! 326 years of intolerance, heresy, and unlawful governance! I petition his Excellency the Secretary General of the United Nations to bring to the UN Security Council and UN General Assembly a Resolution calling for the IMMEDIATE and IRREVOCABLE restoration of the Crown of the Kingdom of England to the Rightful, Catholic, Royal House of Stuart and in the person of the rightful King of England Francis II, Duke of Bavaria, a direct descendant of His Royal Highness King Charles I of England. As a gesture towards reconciliation to the Windsor House and their supporters, who have no fault in the matter, the Windsors may continue to reside at the properties built after the usurper William took the throne. The revenues and title, therefrom and thereof, however, will revert to the Stuart House as the Royal House. I do hope this is done in haste, and with as little to do and bloodshed as possible. There is no reason this must get ugly.

Sincerely and With Respect,

Sir Hubert Stuart IV, Esq., By Right Duke of Cambridge

Long Live King Francis II, rightful King of England!

p.s. I do hope you stop burning my letters


A Brief Thought on the Profession of Writing (And a Postscript on Charlie Hebdo)


Assume you are a successful writer. Next assume you are Vishnu the most holy. But I digress…you make a decent living from your craft, and I mean decent in the way Saint Francis and Charles Dickens understood the concept, not the bourgeois perversion slovenly adhered to by the acolytes of the cult known as the Protestant work ethic, the philosophical-economic branch of Imperially administered oligarchy/state capitalism religion, whose god is Market; it is decency as living with what one needs, or at least what one can get by with. As a writer you are fulfilled, as much as a writer can be, with your career and with your ar and living. And this living is furnished by a de-commoditized market whose governing ethos is reducing to nil the exploitation of fellow artists and workers. Assume this system exists as a separate and actively revolutionary system in exile and at war, not necessarily aggressive, warfare against the above described ruling system. What then if you were offered a contract from a corporation of capital interest centered in the ruling state capitalist system. This corporation is relatively benevolent by the warped standards of the state capitalist system but there is still a measurable and galling level of artist and worker exploitation and wage enfiefment.


In the wake of the horrendous attack on freedom of expression in Paris this week It is more important than ever for writers, cartoonists, satirists etc to stand together and support each other. Art is not just a profession, it is a way of life and a way of thinking that reflects our values and our aspirations. Those terrible men who thought they could silence the Charlie Hebdo staff into silence failed miserably in their endeavor, but it cost the lives of 12 people. I am posting the cartoons that these murderers used as an excuse to kill on this blog in solidarity with all artists out there who are willing to risk their lives to make people laugh and think

Christmas, Satire

Happy Holidays, and Fuck You!


I am one of those people who like to annoy others who annoy me. I just am. I have a bad attitude on occasion and I like to share that gift with the world. There are many different sorts of people who catch my ire: hipsters, vegetarians, Republicans, Libertarians, People who like the Original Star Trek Series over The Next Generation (seriously, there is the short pier, go take a long walk off of it). But there is one group of people I like to annoy more than any other group: Christians! Christians, those special people who are members of the world’s biggest cult but act as though they are in on some sort of great secret. “Psss…come over here! Some pseudo-real Palestinian was tortured and killed 2000 years ago, fulfilling vague and esoteric Jewish prophecy, and giving me a free pass to the afterlife! Want to go bother retail workers about it?” So in that spirit I am going to write a little screed and insult the faith of 2 billion people just in time for their high holiday!

My wife, who is a retail worker, has run into many of those special sort of sociopaths I like to call “Merry Christmas Nazis”. You know the type, those idiots who come up to you and try to get you to giving them a seasonal greeting just so they can then lecture you on how you have insulted their faith by giving the wrong greetings? You know, those fools who act as though a war crime has been committed against them because a Target bagger said “Happy Holidays” instead of “CHRIST IS LORD AND IS THE REASON FOR THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON I FEEL HIS BLOOD WASHING OVER ME!” They seem to think that if they are not constantly confronted with the overarching power of their religion over the culture that this is a sign of some sort of Atheistic/Maoist/Kenyan conspiracy to eradicate all Christians from public life forever. Forget the fact that there are DOZENS, DOZENS of different religions and cults and sects that celebrate winter holidays this time of year, forget the fact that Christianity basically just piggy-backed the Roman holiday Saturnalia AKA an excuse for having an orgy in the winter. Forget all that and think of it this way: some poor, underpaid, overworked retail drone who has not gotten to see any of her family so far this holiday season just went out of her way bagging your $4500 of useless Chinese slave labor made carp JUST to give you a nice holiday greeting, and your response is to sneer at them and claim you are the victim of a hate crime? Well, to all those people who do not shut their damn mouths and accept the Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings that are sent their way I have just one thing to say: Fuck you, and go get run over by a truck in front of your 4 year old. Ok, that was too things. Merry Mass of the Risen Christ!

Africa, Politics

Ebola Over There


4500 people from West Africa die of Ebola (the number is probably much higher) no one in this nation gives a shit. 3 people get Ebola in the US…NOW IT IS THE TIME TO PANIC! Melanin content seems to be the line in the sand that divides a problem “over there” from a Crisis with a capital C “over here”. We read between the lines and see that what we are being told is not “you are about to die from Ebola” but “you are about to die because some sick dark people are coming over here with their exotic dark people disease”. Why else would we have some calling for the closing of the MEXICAN border (last I checked, not a part of West Africa)? Scary disease from abroad means close the borders and hide the (white) women and children! Never mind that more people die from boring old Influenza then will ever die from Ebola. Westerners are SUPPOSED to die from that disease, one we envision lives in a comfy little germ house with its stable germ nuclear family in its up and coming germ neighborhood. Ebola is “that” germ family moving into the gated community; “we’ll get sick and die from our OWN germs, thank you very much.” Something tells us that Ebola would not have voted for Ronald Reagan. Thanks, Obama.

Congress held one of its circle-jerks/televised hearings on the topic of Ebola today. They even brought a knowledgeable and suitably boring Doctor to testify and keep us from collectively wetting ourselves. Ebola is NOT as contagious as AIDS. It is NOT airborne. Ebola is NOT going to turn the US into a Mad Max Thunderdome dystopia where it is every (white) man and his AR-15 for himself (so sit down Louie Gohmert, and zip up your fly!). In fact, Dr. Boring lets us know, there are some very simple but non-sexy things we can do to combat this disease. First we must–

I KNOW, Congressmen scream, LETS BAN ALL FLIGHTS FROM AFRICA. The motion is carried. No more motherfucking African pathogens on our motherfucking planes. No lets send the National Guard to Africa and keep all the sickies from getting on board. No way THAT could be taken the wrong way by all the dying Africans and exhausted foreign aid workers. Keep that stuff on YOUR side of the tracks, thank you very much. Tons of money to keep Ebola away in the most telegenic way possible, but not a dime for more plastic tarps to cover the rotten bodies of the Liberian kindergarteners rotting in the streets of Monrovia. Put “Over There” on the turntable. Turn that phonograph up to 11! I like my xenophobia loud and clear.

Some of our more enlightened citizens suggest that maybe we should coordinate efforts through the UN and try and save West Africa for its own sake. You know, them being human beings and all. Nope. Joe The (well paid Fox News Contributor) Plumber says we should cover the whole region in Napalm and watch it burn. If the free-market couldn’t save those poor souls then nothing will. Strike the match. Red blooded American men ain’t gonna be dying of no Commie Foreigner disease. Let’s form a string quartet and practice while West Africa burns up from a fever of 104.3!

“Hoist the flag and let her fly/Yankee Doodle do or die.”


Apparently the President has appointed an Ebola Czar…I guess we just have to hope now that Ebola doesn’t discover the works of V.I. Lenin.

Christianity, Reason, Religion

Pro-Choice Mary


Mary is visited by an angel who tells her she will give birth to the savior of all mankind

She smiles and says “No, I don’t think I want to have an all powerful desert god’s child right now”.

So the next day she goes to the local midwife and asks for some herbs to cause her to miscarry

She takes the herbs and the pregnancy is aborted

She throws the remains of this unwanted savior into the sty for the pigs. They love it!

Mary goes on to live a long life into her late 40’s before dying of the plague

James was none the wiser

The End